Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

According to math, I’m broke

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.