Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

That’s what I call a flat tire

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

okay run it by me one more time

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.