*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
No point crayon over spilled milk.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
you could not pay me to delete this app
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?