*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig