*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
hey, alexa
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb