*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.