*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
I disagree with my politics
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.