Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk