*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.