*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
WTF IS THAT!
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
We need more people like this.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here