*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
The funk soul brother
the zen of frog
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.