Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Fixed this for Shakespeare

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.