Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.