Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh