Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

describing stardew valley

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*