*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*