Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

🤭

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.