Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

I know

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

Good advice.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window