Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

i want it utterly assaulted.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

What if all the cashiers are married?

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes