Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy