Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.