*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…