*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.