*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*