I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.