@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

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@leechee420

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

@VerbsRProudest

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

@Arrogant_Twat

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

@anerdonfire2

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@SarahFemme

I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.

@PaperWash

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

@realHamOnWry

In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.