Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

i think both sides are to blame here

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle