Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

how to have an accident 101