Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

I might give this a try 😏

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.