[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
😂😂😂
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE