@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

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@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

@Los01001111

*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*winks forever
*gets punched down under

@EmmaUtters

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

@skedaddle74

Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@shawnspree

Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)

Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?

Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?

@better_off_dad2

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’

@ibid78

You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@skittle624

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.