[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
My dog: if that helps
[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!
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*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*gets punched down under
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)
Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?
Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’
You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.