what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.