*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
when you don’t want to be too vague
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
