Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

Traveler’s camo

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding