Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I really had high hopes for this year though

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?