There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
my bed has four corners
[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush
The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.