*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things


People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.


Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners


Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush


The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.


interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes


All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.


Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.