Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

stand with me against insufficient seating

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested