Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues