*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.