Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

for all #parents out there

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

respect

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

…żyje?

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger