*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today