@NicestHippo

*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player

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@ilovepie84

Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@josePhDhoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

@MikeBigby

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

@jaelteon

interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?

me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group

@tiffstevenson

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

@tsm560

This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.