Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.
*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?
me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.