Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good