Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

make up your mind

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.