you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.