Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”
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Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: School is closed today.
Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?
Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day
Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?
Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..
W: Really? Idiot.