[Walks into steam room at gym]
“good morning my..”
“Dave no!”
“my est..”
“Please Dave no..”
“..My eSTEAMed colleagues”
“Everyone hates you”

You Might Also Like


Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”


Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!


I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry


If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.


The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.


Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*


Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.


Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.


Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?

Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..


W: Really? Idiot.