*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
weddings should have a worst man
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.