*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.