Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.