Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff