Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

😅😅😅

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.