*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
i smell a pulitzer
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.