Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

that lip filler tho

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

journal

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine