Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

The news is so predictable nowadays

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Beauty and the Beast

get you a girl who

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

Strange