Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Creepy-crawlies

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

Gemma Correll

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.