@Death_Buddy

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

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@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@HRTSMRT

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

@david8hughes

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

@Cornjerker78

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

@LilNasX

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

@funflaps

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

@adamisacson

Canadians would be chagrined to know how many Americans think a “Vancouver” is a big tarp for your VW microbus.

@jilleb163

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

@the_kizzle

if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.