*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Hitlers gonna hitl
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.