*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too