*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.