*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: