Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.