Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely