Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

So many pants.
So little yoga.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.