@brittwastaken

*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.

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@moose_chocolate

Fox has cancelled American Idol.

From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.

@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

@RunwayDan

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

@TheIronSherk

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

@TommyWallace

[First date]
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter

Her: so what kinda wine should I get

Me: haha white is always the best

@daemonic3

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

@DontTouchMyWine

Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

@hazelmotes1

Alien: take me to your leader.
Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?

@pumpkin_horse

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona