GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*walks seductively up to table*
Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.
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If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.
Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?
Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
sometimes i can’t believe Robert Pattinson is real