*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.

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Fox has cancelled American Idol.

From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.


If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.


You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?


Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.


*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1


[First date]
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter

Her: so what kinda wine should I get

Me: haha white is always the best


Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”



Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.


Alien: take me to your leader.
Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?


*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona