*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.

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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?


If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.


Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?

Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.


[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.


Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played


Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart


Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.


To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?