Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.