Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

Still my favorite television listing of all time: