Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.