*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Duolingo getting serious.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.