Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Oh no
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”