Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!