*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
OH. COME. ON.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”