Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

We’ve all been there