Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

ㅤ

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers