*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
#CatsOnTwitter
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen