*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I am also baked goods
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
