Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.