Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.