Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

is it too early for christmas memes

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT