Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”