*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing