Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Best spoiler warning ever

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda