[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]